I am challenged. My mind is a ticking time bomb. The human brain should not work like mine, or I am pretty sure it shouldn’t. To be quite honest, I enjoy pain and watching others in pain whom I feel have brought it on themselves. I am always accountable for my actions, and I feel no guilt. I fight. ALOT. Like a time bomb I will explode in due time, I always do.
I literally can not count how many fights I have been in. It started out with me wrestling on the floor with my dad while watching WWE, yes I watched WWE. My dad would have to hurt me to make me stop trying to fight him... I never gave up or backed down. My dad claimed I had spirit, my mom said I had anger issues. They never agree on anything.
The first memory I have of me actually fighting someone happened in first grade. A boy in my class was playing tag with me, so I tagged him. He got mad and hit me in the stomach, I retaliated like a whack job. I proceed to get climb on top of him and punch him over and over in the face again. Needless to say I broke his nose, he lost three teeth before anyone else in our grade and two lovely black eyes.
To be honest, I am not violent. I have serious issues with people I love being hurt, threatened, or taken advantage of. Almost every single fight I have EVER been in has been because someone I care for has been hurt. I always tell my friends when you have friends like me you don’t have to fight your own fights.
With that being said I have always been looked at as a wild child, trouble maker, or loser. I am not. In my brain I see my behavior as human nature. It’s not like I set out to hurt people, but I will protect what is mine. I lack any kind of common sense cause I always want to solve all my problems with my fist and violence. I am to the point in life where I can’t even see the difference between kindness and hatred.
In my mind and opinion if something doesn’t accept you do everything in your power to destroy it. No one has ever saw past the outside, weather it be the tattoos, company I keep, my clothes, hair or make up. A loved outcast is the best way to explain my existence through school. Everyone loved me, but no one accepted me. But I have learned not to show emotion, with no emotion comes fear and respect. For the longest time in my life, I was the pure example of a wasted youth.
In my completely challenged mind hatred makes my world go round, because happiness is something that I never found.I don't feel your love or admiration. I don't feel no remorse or pity for the less fortunate. I don't feel what you believe to be right or wrong important.I don't feel shit for me and even less for you. I don't feel. I don’t care what you believe or what your about. It means nothing to me.
A postcard from the edge would be a good way to explore my mind and write down what it says. Rage and adrenaline is what you will find.
Challenged is a nice way to put the cancerous tumor in my head called a brain. You can’t argue with a loaded gun. I refuse to let this world get me down. I refuse to be stepped on. I refuse taken advantage of.
Don’t ask me why I am the way I am, because I don’t have an answer. So I am not perfect, I got a problem, I am not a teenage queen, probably the girl you see yourself dating, or spending good quality time with. It would be easy to blame those childhood scars for the reasons I am who I am today, but I was never one to take the easy way out.
In my head I believe we are all just going through the stages of dying. To live, love, learn and die.
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